*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
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When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
is it earth
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
What
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.