put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
ME: What鈥檚 in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn鈥檛 wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn鈥檛 wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What鈥檚 in the bag?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
If you think going for a drive isn鈥檛 cardio, you haven鈥檛 been in my passenger seat.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don鈥檛 have to nag
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 馃榾
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.