@AnnoyedWasp: put a wig on the dog and frightened the crap out of the postman.
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@chrisdowning: Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
@TheBoydP: The hardest part of being a dog is not understanding why squirrels don’t want to play with you.
@jbillinson: Biden: They don't really think I'd say this stuff, right? Obama: Come on Joe, you've said worse Biden: HE'S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE
@duplicitron: Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.