I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
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Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.