Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You Might Also Like
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there