Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Perfect.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.