Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
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There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.