@toastymoe: Put me in your bio so I know it's real... Just kidding, I'd rather be in your will.
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@charliedelta7: If I see you selling weed, I will call the cops.... and report a robbery across town..... then come over and buy some weed. Safety first.
@envydatropic: Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they've had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
@: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like--it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
@DomesticGoddss: This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.