*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
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[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Do one person every day that scares you.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!