My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
are there any atheist mantises?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.