Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
me after drinking all the wine:
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend