*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
having children is a pyramid scheme.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*