Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?