[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
You Might Also Like
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18