[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
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Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored