*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.