*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
You Might Also Like
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
They’re really bad with fonts.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead