Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
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I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.