I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
You Might Also Like
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Worth a try
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour