Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.