*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I want to meet the individual who made this
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.