surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
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As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
john wicks are toilet candles
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
some cats are just doing for fun!
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…