I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
You Might Also Like
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Who did it better?
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.