If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.