Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
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ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?