a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
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Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
New Tinder profile.
I found your tweet-up…
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.