Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.