*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
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I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Omg 🤣
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Eggs benadryl my favourite
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?