*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”