*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
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Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Brilliant!
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.