Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
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*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
fly smarter, not harder
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.