*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
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Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left