*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
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* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)