For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.