back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
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This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?