Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
is this a warning or an offer?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.