Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
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A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?