4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
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I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress