@Jam453Lane: Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I'm drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.
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@onion_an: Me: I've lost my kitten Cop: How would you best describe him? Me: He looks like a miniature cat
@chuuew: [Snake family queueing to get on the train] [They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board] SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
@AnOrangeSNES: "Sir, is this gluten free?" The waiter nods happily "Great," I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, "I'm building a gluten fort!"
@bidenandobama: Biden: why can't I log into my twitter what's everyone talking about today Obama: