Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.