[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
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I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Tell the colonel to bring it
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.