Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
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Worth remembering.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk