My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
A short story about romance.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law