@Jennuflect: Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
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@CoatCzech: 1) My wife and I are fighting 2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me 3) My phone is in the room where she's sleeping
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Give me your wallet! Me: Back off! I know karate. *later* Me: Well, he called my bluff. Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: (Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today's pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
@SCbchbum: My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.