Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.