Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
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Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)