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@causticbob: Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
@Robert_Beau: At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
@kellyoxford: Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.
@krisv_723: Him: I just got stung. I'm allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
@trims_the_fat: I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.
I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date
Much more satisfying.
@Hobo_Splendido: I'm crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.