Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
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Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*