Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
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I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
yes yes a thousand times yes!
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?