Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
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Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Pikachu found the lost joint
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes