Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
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God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I cannot call her anything else now
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him