Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
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me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.