*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
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glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.