Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat