Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
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I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
how it started vs how it ended
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.