WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
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When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
can’t believe I got front row seats
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.